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Cuckoo clock
Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight. . . I promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight. Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.' 'I think it's stuffed, don't you?' 
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