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The Mental Health Ho
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the National Mental Health Institute "hello and welcome to the mental health hotline" If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and you mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep; or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up - all our operators are too busy to talk to you. 
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