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You Know You're
A black cat crosses your path and drops dead. All your modelling jobs are for cartoonists. Nothing you own is actually paid for. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice. The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard. You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment. You put both contacts into the same eye. You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. You're so lonely that you invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no. Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. Your children's school calls to surrender. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate. Your engagement ring, upon closer inspection, is plastic. Your mother approves of the person you're dating. Your plants do better when you don't talk to them. Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map. You meet a real knockout that floats your boat but your sails can't keep up with her motor. 
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