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University Life
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an AmericanUniversity.In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment witha new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each personwill pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. Oneof you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partnerwill read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. Thefirst person will then add a third paragraph and so on back and forth. Rememberto re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must bewritten on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has beenreached." The following was actually turned in by two of my Englishstudents, Rebecca and Gary. STORY:(first paragraph by Rebecca)At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.The camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings athome, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keepher mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating and if she thoughtabout him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out ofthe question. Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attacksquadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think aboutthan the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whomhe had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris toGeostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbitestablished. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off abluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole throughhis ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out ofhis seat and across the cockpit. He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not beforehe felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalising the one womanwho had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped itspointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4." Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and SpaceTravel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneouslyexcited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers toread, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder atall the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocenceto become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched thefirst of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks whopushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress hadleft Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who weredetermined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage ofthe treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enoughfirepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, theyswiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered theatmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarineheadquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt theinconceivably massive explosion, which vaporised poor, stupid Laurie and 85million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table." We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of thesky!" This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writingare the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shallI have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no I'm such an air headed bimbo whoreads too many Mills & Boon novels." Asshole. Bitch. Wanker. Slut. Get fucked. Eat shit. FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! Go drink some tea - whore. 
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